If you're reading this blog post, chances are you're avoiding a conversation you know you need to have. You're not alone—nearly everyone sidesteps important exchanges, whether about performance, feedback about work, or personal relationships. These discussions are important because they can enhance connection, understanding, trust, and growth. Yet, we often delay them, thinking avoiding discomfort is best. However, the reality is that bypassing these talks complicates matters and can lead to misunderstandings, unnecessary conflict, and resentment.

This piece explores two key motives behind our avoidance and offers strategies to engage in constructive conversations with greater confidence.

The Reality of Avoidance

The truth is, we all avoid difficult conversations at some point. Take, for example, a true story of Paul, a mid-level manager who was blindsided by feedback about his behavior. For more than five years, he remained oblivious to the fact that colleagues perceived him as arrogant and unkind. His peers discussed their concerns among themselves, but no one had the courage to speak directly to him; to let him know. This avoidance not only affected Paul's professional relationships but ultimately led to his termination. Paul's story serves as a poignant reminder that when we neglect these important conversations, the consequences can be devastating—not just for the individual involved but also for all members on the team. Situations like Paul's happen all the time; we often talk about people, but we don't talk to the people we're concerned with.

Why Do We Avoid Conversations?

Understanding the reasons behind our avoidance is crucial for breaking the cycle and getting to better. The two primary reasons are rooted in our innate desire to protect others and ourselves. First, many of us avoid conversations out of a genuine concern for the other person's feelings. We fear that our words may hurt or upset them, leading to conflict or emotional distress. This protective instinct, while well-meaning, can have unintended consequences. When we remain silent, we allow misunderstandings to fester, which can ultimately hurt our relationships more than a difficult conversation ever could.

The second reason is discomfort. Engaging in challenging discussions is often uncomfortable and requires us to confront our fears of confrontation, vulnerability, and potential backlash. We may worry about how the other person will react, or we may struggle with our own feelings of guilt and shame for having to address an issue at all. This discomfort can lead us to procrastinate, hoping that the problem will resolve itself over time—an approach that rarely yields positive results.

No matter how hard it seems, the conversation is not going to get any easier with time. Just like a speeding train that accumulates momentum, the longer we wait, the heavier the burden becomes. The weight of unaddressed concerns only grows, making the eventual conversation even more daunting.

Navigating the Intent-Impact Gap

One of the most significant challenges in communication is what I refer to as the "intent-impact gap." This occurs when our intentions do not align with the impact of our actions or words. For instance, we may intend to provide constructive feedback, but if we approach the conversation poorly, the recipient may feel attacked or belittled. To bridge this gap, we must reflect on our intentions and ensure our communication and behaviours align with the outcomes we desire.

To begin, consider these two essential questions: What do you want for the people on your team or in your life? And what would you like their experience of you to be? Reflecting on these questions can provide clarity and purpose, making it easier to navigate challenging conversations. By focusing on the desired outcomes for both parties, we can shift our mindset from fear to hope, fostering an environment of trust and growth.

Practical Strategies for Confident Conversations

If you're thinking about having a conversation you've been avoiding, you may want to consider the following strategies:

1. Prepare and Plan: Before initiating a difficult conversation, take the time to connect with your own good intent. Reflect on the positive qualities and strengths of the individual you are addressing. This focus on their strengths will help you frame your concerns in a way that respects their inherent value, making it easier to approach the conversation with compassion and understanding.

2. Choose the Right Environment: The setting of your conversation can significantly impact its effectiveness. Choose a private and comfortable space where both parties feel safe to express themselves without distractions.

3. Share Their Strengths: Begin the conversation by acknowledging the strengths and positive attributes of the person you are addressing. Let them know what you appreciate about them. This approach reminds them that your concerns do not define their worth but are instead meant to foster growth and improvement.

4. Be Specific and Non-Judgmental: When sharing concerns, clarity is crucial. Avoid vague accusations that can lead to defensiveness. Instead of saying, "You're not committed," you might say, "It concerns me when we agree on a time to meet, and you show up late or sometimes not at all." This approach focuses on behaviors rather than interpretations, leading to more productive discussions.

5. Have Them Share Their Perspective: After discussing your concerns, invite the individual to share their perspective on the situation. This step is critical because your concerns originate from your viewpoint; understanding how they see things or experience the situation may reveal insights you hadn't considered. This dialogue fosters collaboration and can lead to mutual understanding.

6. Listen Actively: Effective communication is a two-way street. Make sure to listen actively to the other person's perspective. Validate their feelings and demonstrate empathy, even if you disagree with their viewpoint.

7. Follow Up: After the conversation, check in with the individual to see how they're feeling. This follow-up not only reinforces that you care about their experience but also opens the door for ongoing dialogue, greater learning and continuous improvement.

Conclusion

The conversations we avoid often hold the key to our personal and professional growth. While it may be tempting to shy away from discomfort, embracing these challenging dialogues can lead to deeper relationships, increased trust, and a stronger sense of community. By understanding our motivations for avoidance, recognizing the intent-impact gap, and utilizing practical strategies, we can transform our approach to difficult conversations.

Stephen de Groot is President and CoFounder at Brivia. He is the author of Responsive Leadership (SAGE, 2016) and Getting to Better: A New Model for Elevating Human Potential at Work and in Life (Fall, 2025). To learn more about Stephen, his work and the Brivia approach click HERE.